Very Important Recap: WWE Survivor Series 2011

Posted on November 22, 2011 by

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Hi everyone. Sorry my rant on Survivor Series is a little late but I had a lot of college essays to do for college. I am going to say what happened and then say whether it was good and give it a rating. Well, here is my rant. I hope you enjoy it.

Johnny Ace comes out to start the show. I sometimes worry that Johnny Ace isn’t a very good ‘hype-man’  because it’s generally very difficult to hear what he’s saying. In the long run his weird similarity to much-loved minor Arrested Development season 3 character Larry Middleman may not be enough. Johnny Ace sends a text. I predict that the text will be about a ‘screw-job’ later tonight. Watch this space.

YOOOO-NIDED STEETS CHAMPIONSHIP: JOHN MORRISON VS DOLPH ZIGGLER (C)

John and Dolph have a good back and forth match which is good. It’s good to see John Morrison getting a chance to show what he can do in a title match on PPV because it was really weird to see how WWE were ruining his career and misusing him in these last few months. Hehe just kidding, it doesn’t matter how WWE uses John Morrison because he fucking sucks. I’m writing this under a pseudonym so nobody in the Internet Wrestling Community can start beef with me about how wrong I was when John Morrison somehow becomes a world champion in five years. It doesn’t really matter though because if that happens I’ll just refuse to accept he’s a bonafide main eventer, like I did with ‘Edge’ and ‘Jeff Hardy’ and ‘Chelsea Football Club’. Haha yes Chelsea ‘former Premier League champions’ of course you are.

The extent to which Morrison sucks dutifully trends on Twitter, while the crowd loudly shouts for Midcard Comedy Act, who is not scheduled to be here. Morrison continues to stubbornly take part in this reasonably good match, oblivious to his hopeless wimpy shitness. Eddie Guerrero’s widow screams and is sent to the back and I quietly prevent myself from thinking about that whole situation in any great detail. Ziggler wins and cuts a promo about how he is good. Midcard Comedy Act comes out and hits Insufficiently Credible Main Event Leg Lariat. Ziggler is a man who loves to bump. I wonder if he will still be in decent shape in five years or whether he will be gingerly sitting in a chair thinking ‘in retrospect doing a backwards upside down neck bump for Midcard Comedy Act’s post-match finisher was one of several mistakes I made in my short career’.  (Of course not, this is not how wrestlers’ minds work). Irregardlessly, Ziggler has a bleached blonde mullet and has managed to get a sleeper hold over as a finisher to the point where a smart-ass New York crowd will bother to pop for it a bit, and therefore strikes me as a guy who has a solid understanding of what wrestling ought to be. In a parallel universe, Nick Nemeth is born 10 years earlier, does not change his name to anything else and wins the NWA World Heavyweight Title while still in the womb.

*****

WOMEN’S WRESTLING MATCH OF SOME KIND

The woman who is pretty good crushed the woman whose every movement engenders a nagging feeling of embarrassme

*****

BIT WITH THE ROCK

My cynical adult brain has been trying to make me dislike the Rock as much as I ought to for a while now, because he is clearly one of the 500 worst people on the planet. I unfollowed his Twitter because I couldn’t hack all the Team Bring It motivational speaker shit, telling kids with terminal blood cancer to ‘kick’ terminal blood cancer’s ‘ass’ when he should have been encouraging them to ‘die at home’ with their ‘families’ and try not to think about the cruel god that would inflict such a life on his creations. Also, it was pretty informative when he broke the news of Osama bin Laden being dead about two hours before any news outlets did, but that mostly just freaked me out because it made me think Rock was on some USA Illuminati mailing list that smartens people up about these things before the plebs find out, all convening a couple of times a year to spoil the next six sets of Wrestlemania results and dream up hilarious ways to dick Palestine.

Anyway, the Rock talks for 4-5 minutes and is manifestly the greatest pro wrestler of all time without appearing to  break a sweat. Conversely, I realise that I myself am now sweating profusely.

*****

TRADITIONAL BANJAXED SURVIVOR SERIES ELIMINATION MATCH

I fail to recognise lots of the entrance music, as it turns out Cody Rhodes is doing like this new gimmick where he  ‘wears knee pads’ and ‘is not autistic’. Sin Cara hurts himself and everyone gets confused and ‘Mason Ryan’ ends up having to do some stuff and the contrarian asshole New York crowd ain’t into it. I like to listen to the way Booker T says ‘Rendy Atn’. Anyway the injury and the 22:00 run time and the fact that I don’t understand visual media of any kind results in the match being a bit of a confusing haze until Wade Barrett pins Rendy Atn.

** for this one as a result, which to be fair is below usual standards for Orton, who will otherwise have a match in the ** 1/2 – *** range every night for the rest of his life.

WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHIMPIONSHEP: BIG SHOW VS MARK HENRY (C)

By this point the weird contrarian asshole New York crowd thing is in full effect and totally altering the tone of the show, like watching [Children of Men] with the score replaced with [the title music from Fortress of Fear on the Game Boy hehe yeah that’ll do]. This seems to be basically as good as the pretty good match they had last month but the crowd hates it, or is fatigued from demanding the inappropriate appearance of Midcard Comedy Act throughout the whole show. They wake up and slightly surprisingly chant ‘holy shit’  for a Henry-spearing-Show-through-the-barricade spot. Show subsequently climbs the turnbuckle, except like he can’t climb it and he gets sucked into this decades-long wormhole of Jack-Swagger-trying-to-unhook-the-briefcase embarrassment, but then hits a massive frightening elbow drop which everyone just straight up unironically enjoys and feels good about. It gets two and Mark Henry kicks show in the dick for the DQ.

Show vengefully Pillmanises Henry, which everyone thinks is setting up a Daniel Bryan Money in the Bank cash-in, but is actually setting up Mark Henry hopping to the ring on the injured leg on Smackdown while frowning and growling ‘what’ at the crowd.

**Spoilers for Wrestling Observer Radio:** in response to this match Bryan Alvarez says ‘I-THOT-THIS-METCH-WAS… HORBUL‘ and then Meltzer drawls a random combination of the words ‘yeah’, ‘it’, ‘was’ and ‘y’know’ until the situation becomes mildly embarrassing for everyone involved.

*****

WWE TITLE: CM PUNK vs ALBERTO DEL RIO (C)

ADR is introduced by his freakishly old looking 25 year old manservant, who I begin to suspect I’ve been calling ‘Roberto’. That’s the guy who directed El Mariachi!  With a superfluous O. CM Punk is introduced by a broadly-commensurate-with-actual-age Howard Finkel, who is moved to tears.

They do some shit and I feel like maybe at points it’s a little disjointed and they don’t quite have ‘chemistry’, but I don’t know what that means. However there is plenty of psychological arm work psychology. The crowd alternates being high on Punk with being tired, tired of the life of a man-child. They chant ‘we want ice cream’ and ‘Colt Cabana’, in a flagrant attempt to make CM Punk like them. He will tell all 16,000 of these man-children to fuck off at the airport tomorrow. They get down to some neat bomb-trading towards the end as the crowd response drops in and out and confuses me, before Punk finally punishes Alberto’s stupid decision to kick out of a pin attempt by locking on the Anaconda Vise for the submission victory. Punk crowdsurfs and kisses the hallowed MSG turf and breaks his back to make it feel like a big deal. Good luck with that Punk, because tonight on Raw Triple H is coming back and you just know he’s goi

THE ROCK AND JOHN CENA vs MIZTRUTH

The Rock performs some arm drags. The arm drags are the match of the year. You need to go on Youtube and watch the armdrags. The Rock performs La Magistral inside a minute. Cena looks sarcastic and indifferent and subsequently ruins the Rock’s >90th centile fisherman’s suplex by needlessly interfering. Methinks they be sowing the seeds of a heel turn for Cena here. It may be controversial but I really think at ths point Cena desperately needs to tu

John Cena ends up as the face in peril, and ends up (hehehe) Playing Ricky Morton for a massive stretch of the match, which doesn’t quite work because the crowd have already mentally jumped the gun to the Rock hot tag and aren’t really buying into the heat segment. They just want the arm drags again. The Rock locks on the Sharpshooter and for a moment I go as far as to delude myself that he has learnt to apply the hold properly in the intervening seven years. The mind is a strange thing. The Sharpshooter mutates before my eyes and undergoes its customary devolution into a precarious one-armed Boston Crab as Truth hits his awkward Flatliner thing to break it. Truth strikes me as a guy who has his finishers and his two-count signature spots the wrong way round, like a suplex lift into Steve Austin’s finisher ought to hurt a guy more. This is opening a can of worms.

The Miz, in what you kind of assume is the best moment of his life thus far, busts out the massive overlong hubris over Rock’s prone form and eats the spinebuster and the People’s Elbow for The One Outcome That Doesn’t Cause a Riot. Rock scientifically demonstrates to Cena post match that Cena is nothing. Cena tries to passive-aggressively turn Rock heel by pulling the same ‘aw shucks’ facial expression while Rock pointlessly bullies him and then Rock Bottoms him for no real reason. The crowd I think maybe wants Cena to die or lose a limb. We end with Rock in the ring being the best pro wrestler of all time.

*****

well that’s my rant overall this show had some good matches and a couple of bad ones thumbs in the middle

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