50 Wrestlers Who Might Die in 2012: #30 – #21

30. Bob Orton Jr. (born November 10, 1950)

Who: Ten-gallon hat-wearing pretend cowboy from Kansas City who started off his career wrestling under the Falcon Entertainment-friendly name of “Young Mr. Wrestling”. Appeared in the corner of Paul Orndorff and Rowdy Roddy Piper at Wrestlemania I, but thankfully he didn’t prioritise his wrestling career over his family life and resultantly his son Randy grew up to be a well-balanced and delightful individual with a fantastic respect for women. After leaving the WWF, Orton proceeded to work for every single irrelevant wrestling federation of the 1990s, the fact he never turned up in NWA Hammerlock is a minor miracle.

Why He Might Die: How lethal actually is hepatitis C? I mean, Diamanda Galas and Natalie Cole both look like shit, but they don’t seem any closer to dying than ten years ago? Maybe our boy Bob Orton is the man to buck the trend.

29. Chyna (born December 27, 1970)

Who: Star of the hit movies Illegal Aliens (with Anna Nicole Smith) and Just Another Romantic Wrestling Comedy (with the tranny from Dangerous Minds). To the full extent of my knowledge, she is the only person who holds pinfall victories over Triple H and The Undertaker who can be hired as an escort. $20,000 gets you the full weekend with her, although if you’re strapped for cash you can get her for one hour for $3,500 and ask her about her feud with Dean Malenko as you attempt not to stare at her distended clit.

Why She Might Die: Oh boy, where to start. Appeared drunk on The Howard Stern Show, dropped out of her TNA contract due to “pneumonia”, admitted drug addict and alcoholic, turned up on the Larry King show just to tell everyone how much she was like Anna Nicole Smith, severe depression, history of self-mutilation and in September 2010 she took an overdose of sleeping pills. But other than that, she’s doing fine.

28. El Generico (born July 12, 1984)

Who: Canadian professional wrestler originating from the town of Hill Valley in Quebec, although to fit in with his luchador gimmick he is usually announced as hailing from Tijuana in Mexico. El Generico has worked in Pro Wrestling Guerilla, Ring of Honor, Chikara and Dragon Gate, and took home the 2010 Wrestling Observer Newsletter “Feud of the Year” trophy for his series against Kevin Steen, which ended with Generico winning a mask-vs-career match at RoH Final Battle 2010.

Why He Might Die: Whereas the majority of entrants on this list have spent years battling against the effects of steroid abuse, recreational drug addiction, various forms of cancer and unstable home lives, El Generico has never dabbled in any of these. As a result, he hasn’t built up his resistance to any of these and is much more likely to fall victim to a more moderate strain of death than a more storied veteran.

27. Marty Jannetty (born February 3, 1960)

Who: Flying-through-barbershop-window aficionado and a man who has had eight separate spells with the WWF/WWE, nearly every single one of them ending up with him being fired for being coked out of his pretty little mind. On one of the few occasions he wasn’t, it was because he’d botched a Rocker Dropper on jobber Charles Austin, who proceeded to (successfully) sue the WWF for $26.7m. Marty Jannetty has also bragged about being involved in the drug rape of a young girl during an early 90s airplane flight.

Why He Might Die: Because he’s a hopeless junkie who has pissed away every single opportunity offered to him throughout his life and the only reason people don’t think that the character of Randy the Ram was based on him is because Jannetty never headlined anywhere. Also, you know, rapists are bad people and deserve what they have coming to them. Which is probably why so many wrestlers die young.

26. Rikishi (born October 11, 1965)

Who: Whether he was a raw fish-eating barefoot Samoan savage, a throwback Middle Eastern sultan, a dude trying to escape gang violence, a fat bloke who danced or a fat bloke who was combating the racial oppression of Pacific Islanders in wrestling, your boy Solofa Fatu has always been a busy bunny. Was eliminated from a match at the 1993 Survivor Series after tripping on a banana skin. He was pinned by one of the Bushwackers.

Why He Might Die: Was told to lose weight by WWE head brass back in 2004. Seven years later, he doesn’t appear to have taken much notice. His billed weight is currently 425lbs (on a 6’1” frame), but I’d take a guess that most of the JustEat orders this guy makes come in at over £20.

25. Mick McManus (born January 11, 1928)

Who: Apparently the most hated wrestler of the most noted of British wrestling enthusiasts, HRH The Queen Mother. One of the all-time greats of the non “big four” (USA, Canda Mexico, Japan) wrestling nations, McManus was New Cross born and bred and even had his own column in The Sun back in the early 1970s. He turned up on Morcecambe and Wise’s 1980 Christmas show and he’s also the subject of my personal favourite non-sexual assault related wrestling urban legend, namely that he was the lyricist for “Silver Machine” by Hawkwind.

Why He Might Die: He turns 83 this year, and I can’t remember the last time a wrestler of note managed to reach the age of 85. He still lives out in New Cross apparently, so there’s also a good chance he’ll either get stabbed or get bored to death by the incessant nattering of someone who moved there because it was briefly hip in 2006.

24. Lex Luger (born June 2, 1958)

Who: Can we just clear one thing up here on PlayingRickyMorton before we consider anything else? As a youth growing up, I was always told the great legend that Bruiser Brody and Lex Luger had a cage match, Brody stopped selling, then Luger shat himself in the ring and ran away as fast as he could. Actually watching the match, what happens is that Brody acts the cunt, Luger continues to try and wrestle around him, eventually shrugs his shoulders and tries to make the escape spot look as believable as possible (he fails, but meh). The pre-internet wrestling world lied to me. Also, we’re pretty close now to the point where the default “Lex Luger” page on Wikipedia will be the rap producer and not our boy here.

Why He Might Die: Was struck down by a severe spinal injury a few years ago, confining him to a wheelchair and leaving him so weak he apparently can’t lift up a one-pound dumbbell anymore. I’m not saying that’s karma for killing Miss Elizabeth, but that’s karma for killing Miss Elizabeth.

23. Jake “The Snake” Roberts (born May 30, 1955)

Who: Very little in life is funnier than that scene in Beyond the Mat where Jake’s daughter reads out the Sylvia Plath poem “Daddy” and literally every single person watching suddenly remembers their worst girlfriend. Roberts’ father was the wrestler Aurelian “Grizzly” Smith, who met Roberts’ mother when she was just 12 and he was dating her mother. Aurelian decided the gentlemanly thing to do in this situation would be to rape the fuck out of the 12-year-old, impregnating her with our boy Jake. As the Heroes of Wrestling PPV proves, Roberts also doesn’t know the rules of blackjack.

Why He Might Die: Now, I’m not 100% sure on this, but I think I heard a rumour once that Jake Roberts may, on occasion, have dabbled in narcotics. I just want to stress that these are unsubstantiated rumours as of press time.

22. One Man Gang (born February 12, 1960)

Who: I thought this guy was on Hulk Hogan’s Rock N Wrestling cartoon, but apparently he wasn’t. The man’s finest hour came when Slick “discovered” that One Man Gang was actually black, leading to a series of vignettes in which OMG proved his “blackness” by eating fried chicken, doing a tribal dance, and buying a boombox. The 80s were certainly very different times. He was fired from WCW in the early 90s for refusing to put over PN News. Dignity is important in a man, even if it’s a fat fuck with questionable racial emotions.

Why He Might Die: Had two heart attacks in the past decade and now works as a prison guard at the Louisana State Penitentiary, so either he could operate a “three strikes and you’re out” vascular policy or he could get curbstomped during a riot. I’ve watched Oz.

21. Chief Jay Strongbow (born October 4, 1928)

Who: I think he’s the only wrestler to be namechecked in two different Adam Sandler movies, but I’m fucked if I’m doing any research to find out further. Like my boy Iron Eyes Cody, Chief Jay was part of a proud tradition of Italians taking work away from real native Americans by simply throwing a feathered head-dress on and making that noise when you slap your hand against your mouth repeatedly while breathing heavily. He’s also a four time WWF Tag Team Champion, teaming with Chief Jules Strongbow (not an actual American Indian), Billy White Wolf (not an actual American Indian) and Sonny King (don’t even know who this is).

Why He Might Die: I honestly thought this cunt had died back in 2001 and I’m clearly thinking of some other guy who dressed up like Little Plum back in the day.

Tagged: Bob Orton, Chief Jay Strongbow, Chyna, El Generico, Jake The Snake Roberts, Lex Luger, Marty Jannetty, Mick McManus, One Man Gang, Rikishi

Posted in: 50 Wrestlers Who Might Die in 2012